How i deal with my newborn being in the NICU?

I gave birth on Friday to my sweet baby mia. She was 6lbs n 12oz. Perfect delivery n baby. Such a life. But immediately she had to be rushed 30 mins away to a better hospital with a NICU. It has all been a rough ordeal. She had a code blue n code 99 after birth. She is.fine now meaning she is stable. But she can't swallow bc sneak has no gag reflex n she won't cough or cry. They suspect something muscular. My bf (her father) n I r waiting on a test result for SMA..spinal muscular atrophy.. if its posative she will die prolly before she is 2. So I'm praying so hard. If negative we need to get her to Stanford children hospital or la or SF. So here we are. I don't sleep well. I have awful thoughts. I feel so much pain inside. I'm physically n emotional drained. N god bless her heart. N my bf he is so great but not the emotional type. We barely speak n hr doesn't open up. I'm dying inside as I know he is n I don't know what to do. I feel like an awful person or mom. I couldn't even give birth to a completely healthy child n why. Why such a precious n healthy innocent child n what's more is MY child. I feel so lost. N I can't imagine a life without her now.